Sausage Casings

Last night at 2:30 am I’m lying in bed wide awake clutching a nearly empty bottle of Tums.  My husband Jeff is asleep next to me and Sam is ASLEEP.  Sam is ASLEEP and I am AWAKE.  I hate this.  I have such bad heartburn, undoubtedly caused by some microscopic little piece of onion that contaminated my dinner plate.  Some nights I wonder if the heartburn will eventually burn a hole through my skin.  Like a little skylight in my chest.  And then the light will pour in and it will be peaceful in the land of my esophagus again.  Sam loves the Tums bottle.  He shakes is and pumps his knees and we sing “shake it baby, shake it baby, shake it like that!”  I have a sudden urge to roll over and shake the bottle in Jeff’s sleeping face and sing him that song.  Just because he’s sleeping. 

 

Yesterday I made a brave late afternoon trip to Joann Fabric’s to find some rick rack for a dress I’m making.  Sam was fundamentally opposed to the idea of shopping, as usual, so I thought I would try the sling today instead of the stroller.  Sam HATES his stroller.  All I see is peacefully little kids riding around in strollers munching on snacks and playing with toys.  Sam is like a maniac, trying to noose himself with the shoulder straps while diving over the edge in an attempt to stop the wheels with is bare hands.  So, despite my 6 month pregnant belly, I cinched him up in the hip sling and waddled into the store. 

In my previous pre-child life (the one where I wore clean clothes, and more than one outfit a week) I could not consume enough alcohol to make me sing, alone, in public.  Now I have been known to do a few group karaoke stints….but I have never, ever tortured anyone in public by singing alone.  But I don’t live that life anymore, now do I?  So here I am in the fabric store, standing in front of the trim, bobbing up and down at the knees, 6 months pregnant with a 25 pound one year old strapped to my chest, belting out “The Wheels on the Bus”.  WHO AM I?  And then I get stuck on the “doors on the bus go open and shut” line because I’m really trying to figure out what I need and can’t finish the song and think all at once.   So now I’m just this crazy lady with a crazy kid doing squats in the trim aisle and yelling “open and shut” over and over. 

 

And you know I left with the wrong goddamn trim. 

 

Today is my 25 week check up with the OB.  It’s also the day that I get my prescription for compression hose.  Or, as I like to refer to it, my sausage casing.  There are a handful of pregnancy symptoms that I had yet to experience in my 2 straight years of gestation so I guess my body is trying to catch up.  It has rewarded me with a GIGANTIC throbbing varicose vein that runs from the top of my thigh to my calf.  Sorry to be so graphic, but it’s really gross and I think you should have a full understanding of that.  

So my hope is that if I diligently wear these hose until July, it will shrivel up and go away after the baby arrives.  In fact, I think that that sheer act of wearing these hose in the summer with circus tent size maternity sun dresses ENTITLES me to vein free legs.   But I’m not calling the shots anymore, right.  Maybe they will make a swishing noise too when I walk.  When my swollen, and now compressed, thighs rub together, it will make that little swishy, zippy noise.  Because that is sure-fire way to feel good about yourself, right :)

 

Sam has just woken up from his nap.  His new thing is the word “whoa”.  It is very funny.  When we’re going down the stairs he goes “whoooooaaaa”.  I’m no pack mule honey….”whoa” is right.  You had better hold on!